Nearing Rock Bottom

The bottom was nearing. Money was running out. He became desperate, so I tried to sell the “no friends at work” idea again. Nate protested: “But we are friends. That’s our reality. What you’re suggesting is just theory.” The reality at work is whatever you make it, and you can pretend you’re not friends and use accountability as it’s designed.

“How do you hold someone accountable?” Nate asked. “Give me the tools. I’ll get better at that without changing the friendships.”

Nope, I told him. That won’t work because friends don’t always hold each other accountable. The context will likely render the tools impotent. Besides, you already know the tools.

“It’s too conceptual,” he said. “How will we relate? I need to understand exactly what I’m supposed to do.”

But I’d told him exactly what to do before. That was when it hit me: This was all about control. Nate didn’t need to know what to do, or even why it made sense to do it. What he wanted to know was what would happen afterward.

Not-Knowing Is an Inevitability

Unfortunately, sometimes we don’t get to know that. That’s what I told him. Will he lose his friendships? Would one of his friends quit? Would there be a fight? Who knows? All we knew was what the right thing to do was.

A leader often has to forge into the unknown. They do what’s necessary, sometimes with incomplete information, and they trust the outcome.

A few days later, Nate set the boundary with his CFO, whom we thought was the most resistant member of the team. She thanked him for it. Isn’t it great when your worst fears don’t come true? Doesn’t that usually happen? He’s now seriously considering setting healthy work boundaries inside the entire organization — finally dealing with the root problem.

A Barrier to Leadership

I empathize with Nate. We’re all faced with decisions that are scary to make. Unfortunately, the greater the change needed, the more likely some part of it will be out of our control. The unconscious need for control is the single greatest barrier I see in leaders.

This issue is often talked about as “fear of the unknown,” but I think it’s more useful for leaders to focus on the control issue. In my experience, the only way to get more comfortable with the unknown is to let go of control — that’s paradoxically where you have power.

What does courage mean to you? Many people define it as the absence of fear, but what’s valiant about that? Courage is being afraid and doing something anyway. There’s probably something you need to do right now where fear is stopping you. It makes sense to do it, but you’re afraid of what might happen.

Can you get more information? Or some advice? Are there viable alternatives? Do the homework and corner yourself so all that’s left is your own fear.

Then surrender to doing the scary thing, and enjoy the adventure!

This article was originally posted on Forbes.